just worries and thoughts and realizations don’t mind me~

I feel super distant from everyone in my family and I never know how to go about fixing it because all of my efforts just push them further away and it breaks my heart. My biggest fear in the history of all fears is that when I leave this house for good, they won’t call every week like they do my brother and they wont visit every other weekend for dinner and everything will slowly fade away until I’m just one of their kids living on their own who visits on holidays and calls on birthdays and my room is turned into the second guest room or an office and I pray to god it’s not an office. I’ve spent so much time giving this room so many memories and so much personality that to just turn it into something as bland as an office almost seems disrespectful. I know my parents love me unconditionally no matter what life choices I make or where I go or what I do, but I don’t feel connected to them and I’ve spent my entire life trying to please them and do right by them and make sure they never feel an ounce of hurt and I’ve made my mistakes just like every other teenager in the world, but there’s nothing to show for it. I don’t feel like I have a family anymore, I just live in the same house as them and that’s about it. Everything feels empty and forced and it makes me sadder than anything else in this whole entire world.